Unhinged dog names
There are two kinds of dog owners: the ones who pick a nice, respectable name, and the ones who understand that yelling “SPREADSHEET, DROP IT” across a dog park is a renewable source of joy. This list is for the second kind.
Twenty-six names chosen for maximum comedic payoff, each with its reasoning attached. One test before you commit: shout your favourite three times out loud. If it’s still funny on the third shout, congratulations, you’ve found the name. The vet’s office will thank you.
Kevin A dog with a human name is never not funny. Kevin is the proof.
Taxes So you can yell 'TAXES! COME!' in a public park.
Spreadsheet For the dog who has never once been organized in his life.
Beans Plural. He contains multitudes, all of them beans.
Bagel Round, warm, disappears if you look away.
Capybara He's a dog. Naming him after a giant rodent is the joke.
Chaos Sometimes you just name the thing what it is.
Doorbell He announces himself. Loudly. To himself.
Gravy Rich, warm and makes everything better.
Jorts Jean shorts energy: unserious, unbothered, iconic.
These are generically unhinged. For chaos calibrated to your actual dog, the app reads the photo. Get the app
Linguine Long dog. That's it. That's the reason.
Meatball Dense, round and the star of every dinner.
Microwave Screams when he's done. Done with what? Unclear.
Nugget Bite-sized and universally beloved.
Pickle Perpetually in one.
Toaster Warm, rectangular, occasionally launches himself in the air.
Tupperware Lives in your house, holds your leftovers, lid never matches.
Walter A 65-year-old retired accountant in a dog's body.
WiFi The connection is strong but he sometimes doesn't respond.
Zamboni Clears the whole floor in one smooth pass, usually with his tongue.
Gluten Everyone claims to be avoiding him. Nobody actually is.
Mortgage A thirty-year commitment you signed up for voluntarily.
Cheeto Orange, crunchy exterior, dust gets everywhere.
Gary See Kevin, but with even less ambition.
Susan For a girl dog who looks like she'd ask to speak to the manager.
Blender Loud for no reason at 7 am. Contents: mystery.
